Nothing Fancy with Pammy
Pamela Anderson, Liam Neeson.
INT. Studio Kitchen - DAY
PAMELA stands behind the kitchen counter.
PAMELA: Hi y'all, and welcome to Nothing Fancy with Pammy, where we're about straight-up down-home cooking, with a twist. I'm Pammy Beaver. Today we're making chicken pot pie, potato fritters, and no-bake cake. As always, thank you to the fine folks at Williams-Sonoma for their support.
Pamela walks over to the pantry and starts taking items from it.
PAMELA (CONT'D): As regular viewers know, I didn't have the easiest time growing up. My brother Lionel and I got picked on by the other kids for our hand-me-downs, and Daddy would be out picking them bar room roses and Momma would be at home crying to reruns of Gunsmoke. But in the summer, Lionel and I would stay at Memaw's and she'd open up cans of Vienna sausage and put out crackers with the water hose on, and we'd eat good with the opossums on the porch. Sometimes Memaw and Pawpaw would take us to the local Elks Lodge, where my favorite thing to order was the chicken pot pie.
Pamela puts the items on the kitchen counter along with a glass pie pan lined with dough. She talks to the camera as she prepares the items.
PAMELA (CONT'D): I've made this recipe for chicken pot pie so you can fix it with what's handy. Get yourself one can of chicken, one can of cream of chicken, one can of mixed vegetables, then stir it up real good. Now you add a little salt, a little pepper, a little Duke's, and a little Herbes de Provence. Herbes de Provence is thyme, rosemary and lavender from France. Cover with some canned biscuit dough and bake at 425 degrees. When it smells right, take it out. Serve with cornichons. Don't be doubting now. These little pickles are from Paris, but they get real cozy with everything - fried taters, potato salad, and of course pot pie.
The camera pans over from the pot pie and pickles to a set of tableware laid out on the kitchen counter. Pamela runs her fingers over them.
PAMELA (CONT'D): Now I got this tableware that's inspired by the Andalusian countryside, and isn't it just lovely? Look at this beautiful serving platter. Look at the little ponies. And you know what would look great on this platter? Some fixin's. Williams-Sonoma has got you covered with its microwaveables. Buñuelos de bcacalao are just Spanish potato fritters with fish in it. Heat them up and they're ready lickety-split.
Pamela takes out the fritters from the microwave.
PAMELA (CONT'D): Before I show you how to make my no-bake cake, come with me because I have a beautiful table centerpiece to show you, and you're not going to want to miss it.
The camera cuts to a dining room with a table in the center. There is a huge sculpture of a stag on the table, surrounded by piles of oak tree branches. Nestled in the branches are more than a dozen cuckoo-clocks. Pamela is dressed in a dirndl and wearing pigtails.
PAMELA: Can you believe it? I found this stag and these cuckoo-clocks from Williams-Sonoma's special order catalog, "Taste of the Black Forest". Then I took these great oak tree branches, and gussied up the acorns by spraying them with a can of gold spray-paint. And will you look at that? Once I make my no-bake German chocolate cake, we'll be ready for dinner in Deutschland!
Suddenly, the set darkens. Sounds of thunder. The cuckoo-clocks go off all at once.
LIAM (V.O.): Help me, little sister!
Pamela looks around. There is nobody there, but the stag glows ominously.
PAMELA: Is that you, Lionel?
Liam steps out from the shadows. He is in lederhosen and holding a large lollipop in his hand.
LIAM: Yes Pammy - it's me, Lionel. A backwoods lawyer tricked me with some moonshine made up a creek by Devil's Den, but I didn't know it had been cursed by a witch. Then the lawyer and the lumber king of Dickenson stole the deed to the land and Memaw's house. Now my body is trapped in that stag, and my soul is doomed to wander Deutschland forever.
PAMELA: Oh, Lionel! I knew your taste for the bottle would catch up to you one day. That or your no-good fiancée. Didn't I warn you? You never had horse sense in you. But never you mind, little sister is here, and I'll find that backwoods lawyer if it's the last thing I do! But first, I've got to skedaddle because folks will be rolling in any minute, and until next time (she turns to face the camera), I want you to remember to keep it simple, nothing fancy: just straight-up down-home cooking, with a twist. (Fade to outro.)