Daddy issues
Mikey Day, Kenan Thompson, Bowen Yang, Sarah Sherman.
INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - DAY
MIKEY is sitting across from KENAN and BOWEN. Kenan is a grizzled detective. Bowen is his junior partner.
MIKEY: Look, I don't know what you're talking about. It was just a sandwich!
KENAN: Listen, kid, you don't want to play smart guy with us.
BOWEN: The head cheese wants you to go down on this one.
MIKEY: The head cheese? You mean the big cheese? Attorney General Pam Bondi?
BOWEN slams his fists on the table.
BOWEN: We ask the questions around here!
MIKEY: Whoa, okay, so I threw a sandwich at a border patrol officer. Those DHS guys are assholes. What are you going to do - charge me with assault with a deadly pastrami? (chuckles to himself)
BOWEN: That's right. You're going away for a long time.
KENAN: High cholesterol is no joke, son.
MIKEY: That's baloney! The sandwich barely even touched him.
BOWEN: You ever heard of contact exposure? An officer touches your friend freddy fentanyl once and the next thing he knows, he's hitting the canvas and down for the long count from God.
MIKE: Once again, might I remind you gentlemen it was just a pastrami sandwich.
KENAN: Gout. Number two killer of law enforcement officers worldwide. Number one is still heart disease. All that salty beef brisket, melted Swiss cheese -
BOWEN: - a schmear of horseradish, on good rye bread.
MIKEY: It was sprouted bread, actually.
Bowen sweeps the contents of the table to the ground.
BOWEN: Motherf_____!
Kenan puts a hand on Bowen.
KENAN: It's alright, it's alright. Let it go.
BOWEN: Listen, fancy boy, I know you. You went to prep school in the burbs during the day and east of the river at night.
MIKEY: What?
BOWEN: Broken home. Diminished father. Grew up without a moral compass.
MIKEY: You leave my father out of this!
KENAN: Is that why you got involved with El Padre? The Mexican drug lord? He the father figure you never had?
MIKEY: What?
BOWEN: Don't pretend you don't know what we're talking about. You work at the DOJ and assault a Customs and Border Protection officer with a deadly weapon? Who's the head cheese inside the Deep State calling your shots?
MIKEY: Again, do you mean the big cheese?
BOWEN: You baton-twirling rat-bastard!
SARAH walks into the room. She is holding a plate of sandwiches.
SARAH: Hey, why don't you lads take a break and have something to eat?
KENAN: I could eat.
Kenan grabs one of the sandwiches.
MIKEY: Wait a minute, what kind of sandwiches are these?
Mikey takes apart the sandwiches.
MIKEY: Tuna and margarine. D&D figurines and lettuce. Tearstained diary pages and a Juicy Tube.
SARAH: What? They're just your good old everyday sandwiches.
BOWEN: One could almost say they're not the sandwiches of someone who grew up in a happy home, but the sandwiches of someone looking for a father figure.
Suddenly, Sarah pulls out a gun on Bowen while Bowen pulls out two guns, one on Sarah and one on Mikey. Mikey is holding his hands up.
BOWEN: You're the mole working for the Deep State!
SARAH: Yeah, that's right. Not everyone grew up knowing how to make sandwiches for their dad. But now he's home. (Tearful) Daddy's home.
BOWEN: So you are working for El Padre!
SARAH: No, President Trump, silly.
BOWEN: Wait, President Trump is the head cheese behind the Deep State?
MIKEY: For the love of God -
Kenan suddenly clutches his knee.
KENAN: My gout!