Adult Activities Program
Ego Nwodim, Kenan Thompson, Ashley Padilla, Pedro Pascal, Mikey Day, Bowen Yang.
INT. SENIOR CITIZEN CENTER - DAY
EGO is standing in front of a room of seniors and yoga mats. She is in a headwrap and kaftan.
EGO: Welcome to Egyptian yoga from the land of the pharaohs. Let us begin by going into "Horus in the Horizon".
She leads the class into child's pose.
EGO (CONT'D): Now move into "Goddess of the Sky", then "God of the Earth".
She leads the class into cat-cow pose.
EGO (CONT'D): Now step your left foot forward, sit on your right heel, twist your upper body to the right and stretch your arms out towards the ancestors for the Pose of Immortality.
The class follows her lead.
KENAN barges into the room.
KENAN: Sister Loretta, Jesus did not die on the cross for this! This here is not a righteous altar but the Devil's playpen.
EGO: Oh shush, Pastor Davis. I'm not stepping out on the Lord. It's just Egyptian yoga.
Thunder sounds.
KENAN: Listen to that thunder. That's God fighting the Devil for the souls of idolators like you.
EGO: How could you say that, Pastor? I'm a God-fearing woman.
KENAN: No God-fearing woman would make me do things that would shame the Devil.
Kenan and Ego start kissing passionately. Ego loosens her headwrap and lets her hair fall.
ASHLEY: Um, are we still supposed to be in the Pose of Immortality?
PEDRO enters the room.
PEDRO: Pastor Davis, I want to discuss the upcoming joint service. They told me to find you here and - Señora !
Cue wind machine. Ego's kaftan has fallen open a little, revealing a bustier.
EGO: Father Martinez!
KENAN: Wait, how do you know each other?
PEDRO: Señora and I met at the interfaith bake sale. I had a taste for something sweet, and there was nothing sweeter than her sweet potato pie.
KENAN: Sister Loretta, don't tell me you gave him a taste of your pie.
EGO: It was a bake sale, Pastor Davis! How could you question me after all that we've been through? With your gambling and my stripping and your catting around with my sister Raynell?
MIKEY: Seriously, can we go on to the next pose in the sequence? My arms are starting to hurt.
PEDRO: She's right, Pastor Davis. I only ate her pie. Her creamy, luscious, brown sugar sweet potato pie. It was good enough to forget my vows.
KENAN: Sister Loretta!
EGO: Don't, Father Martinez. (She puts two fingers to his lips.) Remember, the Lord commands us to abstain from fleshly lusts, which war against the soul. 1 Peter 2:11.
BOWEN enters the room.
BOWEN: I am also here to discuss the upcoming joint service.
EGO: Rabbi Yang!
BOWEN: Mrs. Wilson!
KENAN: Rabbi Yang! How do you two know each other?
BOWEN: My shofar needed a cleaning for Rosh Hashanah and Mrs. Wilson is the best shofar cleaner around. She polished and cleaned it thoroughly. Then she blew my shofar. She blew my shofar loud and wide.
KENAN: Sister Loretta!
EGO: Everybody, go into Mummy Pose!
The seniors groan in relief as they move out of the Pose of Immortality and lie down with their arms cross in front of their chests.
EGO (CONT'D): And don't forget, at 10 we have the AARP Safe Driving Refresher, followed by Crochet Circle at 1, Social Tea at 2 and Cell Phone Help at 4.